emo time
JUNE 6 2021 7:56 PM
next week is my 24th birthday. i had an epiphany this weekend. i hate my life(i already knew that), the new part is i realized i literally do not have to live like this. i can change my circumstances. i can go back to school. my life literally does not have to be like this, i dont HAVE to be miserable. i rarely set goals for myself because i never keep them but if i can set one goal for my 24th year is to do something, TRY and change my life, not just accepting working forever at jobs i hate. i can still stop my life from being wasted.
its funny but when i was in college i had a moment where i wanted to change my studies but was talked(scorned) out of it by a family member and i always look back on that moment in regret that i didnt stick to what i wanted. i feel like this would definitely end up as a memory like that, [if i dont do anything] ill look back on the time when i was 24 and still had time to save my own life.
MAY 19 2021 5:00 PM
and just like that, more of my life slips by. my life is nothing more than a cringe compilation of lost opportunities.
APR 23 2021 8:44 PM
earlier i was feeling very "friday im in love" but now i am feeling very "boys dont cry"
APR 1 2021 8:32 PM
yes i may have really lost it this time, and i cant say that by this time tomorrow i wont have already forgotten this feeling. its too easy to imagine myself living a vampiric goth existence together forever rather than my lonely monotony. since it'll slip away anyway, in the interim lets listen to type o negative in the moonlight and pretend like we know each other. i am the april fool after all.
MAR 27 2021 6:16 PM
MAR 13 2021 8:19 PM
its real rotting corpse hours! ive been listening to type o negative and mayhem getting real demonic up here. im convinced im an angel banished and fallen down from heaven and possessed my own body. just kidding. or am i? i have continued to isolate myself more and more and living more in fantasy than in reality. which is fine to me until it isnt. all i really want is a girl best friend to burn down churches with and throw rocks at cars with. maybe start a rock band. not that i can play anything. this is what i mean by fantasy because the only time my life is good is when im not living in it. im dreaming my 20s away! i ruined all my relationships and i will continue to ruin them in the future. my life is going to get worse and worse until i die. nothing makes me happy and i make myself miserable. i lost all interest in everything and i am in a constant state of malaise melancholy and misery caused by myself. ive said this before but i think a part of me loves and enjoys being miserable to contribute to my tortured artist personality. i also blame all my problems on being a gemini. my huge ego, my detachment, my inability to maintain interpersonal relationships, etc, is all because my sun and ascendent is gemini its really not my fault. if anyone is reading this dont be too concerned this is a very usual saturday night for me lol. just losing my shit i guess i am just that epic
FEB 5 2021 7:58 PM
you know what i am thinking about on this friday evening..... how f*cked up it is when bands replace lead singers who died... like why don't you just make a new band... there's no way you can replace a lead singer especially one who died like lead singers are what makes the band?! im specifically thinking about Layne Staley from Alice in Chains, i think ACDC did it too... also this is mostly unrelated but how RHCP kicked out Dave Navarro for heroin use but the lead singer was notorious for heroin like WHAT. this shit keeps me up at night
JAN 23 2021 5:34 PM
UMMMM Dear Diary.......,... today i went on my first First Date..!! it went well lol, i was really nervous so hopefully i didnt come off as too standoffish.
JAN 16 2021 11:53 PM
i randomly disabled my instagram the other day bc idk i dont care much about social media anymore and im kind of brain dead now but i mean i still draw every day i just no longer care as much as i used to about the attention received i just like to draw and write because its fun i dont want it to ever become extrinsic ....

oh! another thing, im reading a biography of kurt cobain so i am definitely going to add more to my shrine of him :)) <3
JAN 15 2021 7:40 PM
current mood:
https://cyleao.tumblr.com/post/639842589438328832
DEC 17 2020 8:56 PM
im so isolated i think my brain rotted out. i am a mega loser and im 23 and idk why i cant just be normal and have an open heart. i feel like i have no love to give which is why these days i have about no friends. its like im on a different plane of existence and no one can reach me and i cant reach anyone else. i cant meet anyone because im not interested in anything anymore and have nothing to talk about to anyone. im not so sure there is a point to anything and i dont care about anything. my heart is a black hole that sucked my brain away lol.something is just wrong with me and i will never ever be happy.
NOV 14 2020 12:32 AM
*sonic voice* alone? on a friday night? god you're f***g pathetic
i feel like i have shut myself off so much partly because of how little ive been able to relate to other people in general. i cant bring myself to care about anything or anyone. my metaphorical heart is made of sheer ice. i dont think i will ever be able to have a normal life because of how ive isolated myself for so long. sometimes im like woe is me im pathetic and im never going to get married! but majority of the time, i cant emote and i just dont care; idk which is worse.
NOV 9 2020 4:34 PM
i'd like to add to my site but i am really just not that interesting and my minds all blank and my hearts all rotten !
OCT 24 2020 12:06 AM
imagine having friends lmao
OCT 18 2020 9:08 PM
hmm.. when you realize your childhood hero became a drunk asshole, when you realize your job is less than meaningless and underpays and uses you, when no one cares about your dreams or aspirations, when you are swept into the abyss that is your room that you spend nearly every minute of every day in! in any case, it's sunday and nothing matters, so i'll shut up as usual.
SEPT 15 2020 5:12 PM
doesn't matter, no one cares
SEPT 5 2020 11:44 AM
i finally updated my art page so now it doesn't take 14 years to load e.o ... i want to redo a lot of my pages but have no ideas for them...(index, fav charas page, etc)....
MAY 8 2020 11:33 PM
if i made friends i'd lose my power level.
FEB 17 2020 12:21 AM
i haven't updated my site much but im trying to keep thinking of stuff to add / edit
here are the pages ive added/updated lately:
medieval oc page (underneath "MISC+") added new icons, updated bios of some characters
fanfic page fanfic recommendations / my favorite fanfics
dere page listing of my favorite / most popular dere types with examples
shounen arcs page list of the best storylines from shounen animes that i have seen
ive had a lot of free time so hopefully i can update more pages soon ~
DEC 28 2019 10:18 PM
i deleted my old blog because it was lame and i hate sharing about myself to others. but anyways remaking this page for general updates relating to my site/ocs/etc...
oh and....

my resolution is to read a lot of books.
return